Rob Calder received the following email today. What do you think, should we sign them?
Mike and I have formed a musical collective and we have decided to offer you and Boompa Records the first opportunity to sign a band that will bring nations to their knees and that will make Kings weep with the knowledge that despite their royal splendor they will amount to but a fraction of our splendid worth. Mike wants to call us “Too Rude Guses” I opt for “To Rude Guses”, one thing is for certain: we will not be “Two Rude Guses”. For that is what they would expect and if there is one thing we will stand for it is tearing down conventions to reveal nothing but pure, blinding truth; that and loose-fitting mesh fabrics.
Combining such influences as early Israeli minimalist psytrance and Poison’s seminal work “Flesh and Blood,” our first album, “We are Shifting your Paradigm” will forever alter sound. The rock elite won’t understand it and the bourgeoisie will riot for we will dismantle music and then reassemble it with Mike’s syncopated drumbeats and my innovative blip-work.
After defying categorization with our first album we will demand it with the release of our sophmore effort, “Electrified Post-Disco Glitch Funk,” it will be a burning sword of enlightenment thrust into the heart of apathy. It will be huge in Germany.
We are simple men and so our live tour, “We Are Terrific, We Are Having A Terrific Year” will eschew artifice. We will play only the largest stadia into which we will enter astride panthers. Onstage we will perform in a selfcontained, soundproof room from which nothing will be heard. We will emerge at the end of our set, sweaty, to the adulation of the multitudes, remount our panthers and return backstage to gorge ourselves on rubies.
Our third album, “High Fastening Pants and Complicated Shoes” will be our masterpiece. The fucked up time signatures will be embraced by critics and fans alike as they cut a swath through mediocrity. We will be hailed as saviours, as prophets. The subsequent fame will be too much for us. Mike will suffer a complete mental collapse and I will begin to synthesize my own hallucinogens. NME, Mojo and Rolling Stone will all mourn the demise of the greatest band to have ever existed. But we will return from our self-imposed exile a year later to release our last album, “Ripping the Head off the Mundane”. It will be love, distilled into 72 minutes of silence, silence punctuated by guest vocalist Stephen Hawking intoning “Thanks to Tito for bringing the cookies” over the sounds of two wolverines mating. It will be our least accessible album.
We will then slide into anonymity. Our adoring public will clamor for another album, for a reunion tour, but we will deny them. Instead we will allow our legacy to speak for itself. Years into the future, after statues have been erected in our honor and shrines have been dedicated to us our music will still ring out as a clarion bell leading the huddled masses into the light.
We are still looking for a bassist.
To(o) Rude Guses